


Beyond the Fall

by float_in_darkness



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I don't have any mercy or dignity, I love ruining character's lives, M/M, Slow Burn, Smut, i do not regret a thing, it started out so happy, love is a disgusting emotion why don't I just kill it, so much pain and suffering, you guys will hate me ahah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-13 11:21:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9121303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/float_in_darkness/pseuds/float_in_darkness
Summary: In an age of tragedy, war and heart-wrenching incidents, Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester meet unforeseen love, a devoted love withstanding circumstance and feud where hope doesn't appear to persist, encountering resentment and disincentive.Again and again at the brink of shattering, yet bracing up when it didn't seem possible anymore, they find their bond resist cause and enmity, a seemingly never ending fight for the sole purpose of living and feeling.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Living means feeling,

hope, pain, love, desire.

 

The more we feel,

the more we live.

 

And yet we suffer.

 

* * *

June 09, 2005

Thursday 

* * *

 

 

 

Hands breaking through the surface of the water, sending little waves off to soon vanish on the open water of the lake, Castiel scooped as much water as he could.

Mind contemplating whether the thirst or the urge to wash his face was stronger, he stared at his fingers, absentmindedly watching as the water slowly escaped his hands.

Shaking, he dragged them across his face, rubbing the dirt and dust away with what was left of the water, sighing at the refreshing cold.

It seemed to lighten up the small sting in his temple, the slight headache he'd tried to ignore for at least three hours. Heat wasn't for him and walking in the blazing, blinding sun for longer than his feet could carry him didn't help.

Castiel had restrained himself from resting, sitting for just a minute in order to recruit his strength, maybe even sleeping. There was a place he'd need to find before the sun set, shadows forcing him to stay without proper shelter for the night.

He felt his feet burn from endlessly tramping across the forest, uneven ground and loose branches hampering his every movement. It was ridiculous, he'd almost given up so many times, he lost count of how often he just wanted to surrender, scream his frustration into the woods, how often he'd been close to fall from exhaustion.

There was dirt, so much dirt and filth sticking to his clothes, his very skin, causing him to avoid every touch of his hands, arms and face. It was nasty, almost disgusting to feel the rough scratch of dirt on his bare skin.

 

He began to remove all the earth and filth from wherever he could, rubbing the palms of his hands until they were clean. Castiel could feel the burning sensation increasing every time he pressed his fingers on his arms, dragging them across his skin, repeatedly and careless, firmly.

The aching and reddening skin as he chafed it didn't matter, it would soon cease and go back to normal again, important was to feel somewhat clean again.

Just this one time, Castiel allowed himself to fall back, sit on the grass to relax, pulling the dirty shirt over his head to let it slip into the water, dragging it around a little to rinse, remove the dust. He wrung it out and unfurled it again, laying it next to him on his backpack to dry as much as possible.

Castiel let his head sink, resting it on his forearms, elbows put on his knees as he exhaled long and deep, eyes closed in fatigue.

He was done, tired and hungry, hurting everywhere and each bone in his body screamed for rest. Stretching didn't even work anymore, his muscles were beyond what they could do, how much they could bear.

 

This wasn't what he had planned. Never could he have even imagined it would end like this, not two weeks ago and certainly not five years ago. He'd thought he'd just finish his degree, work until he was old, find the love of his life somewhere in between and then die, fulfilled with the satisfaction of having lived a normal, happy life.

But this now, this wasn't what he'd expected, wanted. Struggling to survive everyday, having to go along with what he found in nature, food, water and weather, never knowing what would come, what the next day may hold for him.

And he blamed the world, hell he couldn't help but blame humanity, society for everything that had happened, still happened. He got that war was nothing to joke about, he got that war destroyed everything, but he hadn't expected what it could make of society, what dark truths it could uncover within human beings.

Sympathy, understanding, love, toleration, it all didn't seem to exist anymore, annihilated by war, greed and envy. People didn't seem to care that much about other humans anymore, they killed, raped, hurt, robbed. Rules and laws were gone, decency and manners slumped.

Everyone pretended to have at least a spark of decency, but given the opportunity to use another human, hurt him to enrich oneself, most wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

And Castiel was aware of the fact this wasn't something surprising given the circumstances, given the world they lived in, but the lack of sympathy and modesty disgusted him. Especially when it wasn't like this just five years ago.

The war had taken almost everything what humanity had accomplished, and the conditions afterwards, the consequences of the war had taken everything society had been. It had all been taken.

Humanity had decided to get selfish again, everyone for himself, receiving help from another wasn't something you could count on anymore.

It wasn't exactly the post-apocalyptic, postwar world always described in movies, it was medieval, the monsters lurking in the dark weren't zombies or mutants, it were humans. Driven by greed, anger and frustration, selfishness.

Disability, weakness, homosexuality, everything out of the ordinary was seen as repulsive, regarded with dislike and incomprehension. It would prevent the group from moving on fast enough, from growing, and it would cause expulsion.

 

Castiel shook his head in disbelief, cursing what the world was like right now, grabbing his wet shirt and got up again. He'd rested long enough already, longer than he'd wanted to.

The damp fabric clung to his skin as he pulled the shirt down his torso, trying to remove the creases, but it helped with cooling him down, a welcomed change from the heat.

He didn't pay a lot attention to the remaining stains of dust he was unable to remove with just water, making his appearance look dirty, the white shirt almost see-through.

Contemplating whether the water of the lake was clean enough to drink, to fill his bottle with for the distance he'd still have to cover, he stared at the surface, gaze wandering off to the other side.

There seemed to be smoke, light and almost not visible for the eye, probably undetectable when you weren't paying attention, but it was there. It escaped from the top of the trees, the origin most likely a clearing in the forest.

Castiel wavered for a second, unsure if he could take the risk to go there and ascertain his presumption, thinking it could just as well be nothing, or even something he should stay away from.

Not too long after the war, some humans had started to gather and build large groups, humans who shared a faith, race or goal, and not every group had good intentions.

The ones that just had the purpose to assure survival, protect and shelter its members were nothing to really worry about, yet there were also the ones that intended on more than that.

Some raided other groups, their settlements, even small villages in order to enrich themselves, increase their wealth until they didn't have to worry anymore, didn't ever lack food or weapons.

Their very presence was to be feared, avoided by everyone who was a stranger to them, everyone who didn't share a bond with them. Mercy and exercising restraint weren't exactly their strong sides.

And these were the groups causing Castiel worry, running into one of them could mean his death in the worst case, so no matter where he went, where he stayed, he'd have to be careful.

He picked up his bag, neglecting the bottle he'd wanted to fill with water as he may not need it after all, starting his way to walk around the lake, curious but wary towards the smoke.

 

Castiel didn't have proper weapons or tools, he had found a rusty knife a few days ago, just after he'd been expelled from the group he'd used to be affiliated to. They didn't have the mercy to at least let him keep his own knife and gun.

When they had decided to cast him out of the group, he was devastated, desperate and didn't have a clue where to go now, how to survive.

He'd have three hours to get all his stuff, which was too much as he didn't really have anything, but way too less to calm down, stop overreacting and to get his mind clear, able to think about a plan.

He had wanted to scream, punch a wall to let out his frustration and anger, hating himself for how dumb and naive he'd been. He could have cried, wanted to, but his mind didn't let him, still overwhelmed with shock at the sudden expulsion.

Castiel had been lucky to have his brothers. Lucifer, the oldest one of them who had reached out to him, trying to calm him down, and Gabriel who then told his little brother what to do.

It wasn't much they could really do for him, but at least Gabriel knew a way to help out, giving him a name and a location to approach. A single name to hold onto in his despair and distress.

Dean Winchester, he'd understand, he'd help and he'd make everything alright again. Gabriel said he'd understand, he wouldn't care why Castiel had been sent away. Gabriel had assured more than once Dean would understand, so many times that the sentence was stuck in his head, and yet Castiel didn't really believe it.

 

“Dean Winchester will understand, Cassie, Dean will understand, go to him, talk to him, he will help.” Castiel echoed absentmindedly, only a whisper, trying to convince himself those words were true, Gabriel hadn't overstated. “You can trust Dean.”

It sounded so unreal to trust a total stranger in a world like this, in a situation like this, even though his brother apparently knew him, was sure this man could be trusted.

He'd never been too credulous, never just believed in everyone's word and claims, but he felt he'd gotten way more wary of just about everything during the last five years, the disastrous life after the war.

Castiel couldn't help but waste a second thought, pay more attention to each word someone said, even if it was his own brother. Part of him hated it, hated what war and life afterwards had changed in him, he wasn't the person he'd been before. Nothing remained how it used to be.

“You may not be perfect, and you know what I mean, but don't you change, little brother.” he silently repeated after Lucifer, the words he had sent him off with, muttered into his ear as he'd hugged him. “Don't you dare to have changed the next time we see you.”

Castiel shook his head, his lips the shadow of a soft smile. Lucifer had been a little optimistic in his opinion, they'd probably never meet again, yet he appreciated the way his brother attempted to cheer him up.

The sendoff hadn't been dramatic, everyone had tried to keep a straight face no matter how they thought about Castiel leaving, being thrown out, and he was glad. He didn't like farewells, sad ones above all.

There was no need to point out he and his brothers couldn't stand the thought of separation, especially in this kind of world, when there was only a small chance to see each other ever again.

Nonetheless, when they suggested to leave the group as well, go with Castiel, he had declined. There was no way he could reconcile it with his conscience, causing danger to them, harm, maybe death.

He was better off alone, not having to worry about them, than to have them on his side, each second and step afraid something may happen.

 

Castiel, to some extent, was surprised he'd made it this far. Part of his mind thought he would be robbed and killed on his way long before he was even close. He didn't carry anything precious with him, no food, no weapons, no alcohol, but most raiders didn't care, they'd take whatever they could find, including his life.

He hadn't met anyone, much to his surprise, not even a loner like him passing through to find another group, a shelter or something to eat. Luckily, he must've been in the right places at the right time, never crossing path with members of any group going for a hunt.

Though he might have enjoyed meeting peaceful, nice people to have a talk to or maybe share a meal with, it probably was better this way. His loneliness was just a comparatively small sacrifice in order to survive.

Knowing this may change soon, having walked around the lake by now and further into the forest, he felt like he was going to cry from joy as soon as he'd found what he had been looking for.

Gabriel had described the settlement where Dean Winchester was to be found as a pretty nice place, no racism, no religious fanaticism, neither warmongering nor pacifistic. It was everything you could wish for in times like this, finding a group which didn't discriminate on specific things was rare.

Castiel could now just hope the smoke came from said settlement, after all his brother told him it was near this lake, just a walk of ten minutes or less if you were fast. Spotting the smoke was a piece of good fortune, otherwise he'd have to search the woods all around the lake. It would've taken hours.

His mind and soul could need more of this, more luck from now on, he'd been devastated and downcast ever since he had to leave.

The good part was he could start new, he was given the opportunity to start all over again, new place, new friends, new life. He had learned a lot in these past five years, he'd made a lot of mistakes, failed more often than he could count, but all of this wasn't important anymore, nobody would know. And he could start all over using the knowledge and experience he'd gathered, make a better impression.

 

The settlement wasn't exactly like he'd imagined. There were walls made from logs, huge, more than twelve feet high, a lot more impressive than what he had expected. It seemed they hadn't used just one row of logs but two, already giving a much safer feeling than the one back at his old settlement.

From where he was standing, hidden behind a tree in order to check if it was safe, if this really was the place he'd been trying to find, he could see people, heads towering above the logs. Supposedly guards, armed.

Castiel didn't think they'd just shoot right away when he came into their field of vision, but he'd have to be mindful, surrendering if it came down to them seeing him as threat.

He decided on giving it a try, hands raised above his head to make his intentions clear, showing them he didn't want to cause any harm.

His gaze locked to the closest of the guards, waiting for the man to notice him, which didn't take too long after he'd walked onto the clearing, out of the shadows of the trees.

The man pointed his gun at the stranger, squinting his eyes for a second as he searched his figure for weapons, giving the raised arms a quick look.

 

“Stop right there!” he shouted, Castiel immediately halting, eyeing the other guards who paid attention to him. “What do you want!?”

Castiel cleared his throat, restraining himself from letting his arms drop to his sides again, ignoring the exhaustion from the past few days in his bones and muscles.

“I need to talk to Dean Winchester!” he yelled back, throaty voice as he hadn't really spoken a proper sentence for a long time, fearing his voice might break.

He could see the guard's faces light up ever so slightly, some looking at each other before one disappeared, tapping and squeaking sounds coming from a wooden staircase inside.

Something in Castiel's chest fell and he exhaled, eyes closing, relieved the name seemed to be known, quite well-known to be exact. He had found the right place and the guy his brother had told him about.

All the tenseness disappeared, all the doubts and sorrow, leaving him only the urge to lay down to sleep, rest until his body had fully recovered.

Half his mind paid attention to the dull voices inside, now getting more and louder, excited, probably because there was something going on, a stranger in front of their settlement.

It didn't take long for the guard to return, actually Castiel had expected to wait much longer, maybe a couple minutes until something happened, but he was surprised. It wasn't even two minutes.

With the guard came another man, taller and less armed, just a plain gray shirt without sleeves at all, a necklace pending down his chest as he leaned onto the logs, supported by his underarms.

His face turned into a questioning frown, remaining resolutely silent as he stared down at the stranger, working jaw as he examined his figure, waiting.

He was handsome, stunning and so unfairly handsome, Castiel couldn't find a better fitting word than unfair.

 

“Dean Winchester?” he asked, heart racing at the man looking down at him so blank and unimpressed that he thought he might get sent off again. The answer was just a small bob of his head, yet it was enough.

“Gabriel told me I'd find you here. Gabriel Novak.“ he then continued, having to clear his throat another time as he felt his voice break again, still not quite ready to be used. “He's my brother.”

Dean didn't bat an eyelid and there was no movement from his side, glancing at Castiel as if he was thinking, until he shrugged his shoulders. “Don't know the guy.”

Castiel's lips parted in disbelief, wanting to say something but failing to figure out what words to use, what to say. A small doubt came to his mind, bugging him, leaving him wondering if Gabriel had lied or made a mistake.

As much as he wanted to think this was a misunderstanding, he couldn't believe Gabriel would have made such a huge mistake. No, not if his little brother's life was on stake, not if it meant he could lose him.

“Can't be. He told me to find you, Dean Winchester. He said you knew him and you would help.” Castiel retorted, struggling to sound strong and persuasive, no matter his doubts and failing voice. “I think he mentioned you owed him a favor.”

Dean narrowed his eyes and focused more on the stranger, seemingly more interested now, watching as he slowly lowered his arms without interrupting.

“I may or may not owe a guy named Gabriel.” he glared, wary but somehow not hostile at all. “What's your name, Luci or Cassie?”

 

“Actually, Castiel, but I guess he just always mentions me as Cassie.” he responded, calming down a bit as he was now aware what was going on. Dean didn't want to mess with him, he wanted to make sure this wasn't a trap, make sure Castiel was who he claimed to be.

“Okay, Cassie,” he said, slight amusement in his voice, teasing. “you don't look like a Cassie, but I get you're not lying.”

With this sound to his voice and a neutral face, open and honest, he seemed more affable and not so much like the suspicious guy irritated by everything. It was a facade to intimidate people who didn't have good intentions.

Castiel had seen this multiple times before, it was especially common with leaders or important people in groups, a character trait coming from either being important or it was what made you important.

“So, you're the favor I owe Gabriel.” he sneered, a crooked smile on his lips, casually giving a signal to someone inside the settlement. “Go left, I'm letting you in.”

Dean took a step back, watching as Castiel followed orders, before he turned around, disappeared behind the logs and hurried down.

 

Castiel felt relief and tiredness as he walked along the wall, his mind calming down from all the stress, the concern and anxiety he'd experienced, finally able to relax as he knew it was over.

He hadn't given up, he'd continued grinding until he had reached his goal, more than once he'd thought he wasn't able to do it.

Though he wouldn't have been able to do it in the first place if Gabriel hadn't sent him here. A simple thank you wasn't enough, Gabriel deserved all the gratefulness he could give.

There was a warm feeling in Castiel's stomach as he stepped into the settlement, gate open for him, Dean Winchester waited on the other side, arms crossed in front of his chest, yet pulling up the corner of his mouth, welcoming him with a grin.

Dean was wearing Jeans, the faded blue and torn fabric made it look old, worn out, yet it somehow fit him. He didn't seem to care too much about how his clothes looked, in marked contrast to his face, but not minding the stubble.

From up close he was even more handsome, making Castiel stare at him for a moment, stunned by his green eyes. He was surprised how tall Dean was, it didn't happen that often that he had to look up at someone like this.

 

Dean put a hand on his back, shoving him forward as he walked next to him, still not letting go of him in order to lead him, bring him where he wanted him to be.

“Guess we gotta have a talk.” Dean stated, thoughtfully watching Castiel whose eyes wandered, big and amazed at everything inside the settlement, all the humans, the small shacks, buildings, even a field for growing crops.

It was a lot bigger, way more room to move than where he'd been before, they had actual shacks instead of tents, everything was quite overwhelming, exciting in a way. Dean noticed this little spark in the man's blue eyes, making him chuckle at how taken aback he seemed.

“Did you hear me? Gotta talk.” he repeated, nudging him to get his attention. Castiel turned to look at him and nodded, still staggered, trying to comprehend everything at once.

“You'll get used to it.” he mentioned, having a look around himself, reminiscing. “Or I'd guess, I mean I wouldn't know. I was here when there was nothing, just trees, time passed and all this happened.”

“You helped building it?” Castiel asked, eyeing the wall of logs and the scaffolding, carrying guards and weapons.

“Well, yeah kind of. The construction plans weren't mine, but guess who cut down the trees.” he huffed, furrowing his brows thinking of all the work. “It's been five years and people helped though.”

“I suppose it isn't finished yet.” Castiel noted, nodding towards a pile of logs in the middle of the settlement, at least as far as he could see, eyeing the wall at the other end

“We're constantly adding stuff, more shacks for example.” Dean confirmed and reached out, shoving Castiel to the right, facing one of the shacks where they were heading to. “This one belongs to me and my brother.”

Without another word, Dean pushed the door open and walked in, waiting for Castiel to follow, shy and unsure if he could just enter like this.

 

Inside wasn't much light, the windows weren't exactly big to begin with, but he'd expected it to be a little brighter to say the least. He could easily see though, he could make out a table with some chairs, plain but functional, two doors at the other side of the room and a cabinet.

Nothing too complicated, just a small shack with everything you needed in order to feel well, but Castiel didn't have much time to look around further, so he couldn't make out smaller details, personalized things like maybe photos or books.

“So, Castiel, you're the queer one, right?” Dean mentioned incidentally, walking past him to lean against the table, arms crossed, glancing at him. Castiel tensed up, eyes widening in shock at the modest remark, perplexed. “Now, after war and everything, you still a fag?”

Castiel inhaled, about to say something but just stood there, appalled and speechless. He didn't dare to look at Dean, gaze stuck somewhere between his head and the window, trying to think clear.

Gabriel had told him Dean would understand, but this was ridiculous. He knew, and on top of that he'd called him a faggot. Even if he had let Castiel into the settlement no matter the fact he was homosexual, even if he didn't intent on throwing him out, he wasn't here to get offended like that.

“I... I think I should go.” he stuttered, awkwardly drawing his brows together, slowly processing the whole situation, before he made an effort to turn around, get out again. He stopped in his motion, squinting his eyes at Dean. “You know, you shouldn't have let me in just for acting like this afterwards.”

“What? Did I do something wrong?” he hurried, sudden surprise and perplexity reflecting in his expression, properly standing again. Castiel tilted his head, seriously puzzled as to what was happening, trying to comprehend.

“Winchester, if you're gonna keep taunting me because I swing the other way, I might as well leave.” he claimed but still didn't move, too curious to see what he was going to do, watching the man's face lighten up after a moment, lips forming a circle as he caught on.

 

“Oh. No, you misunderstood.” he asserted, lifting a hand, palm facing Castiel in a calming, pacifying manner. “I thought Gabriel had told you. I'm a fag.”

Dean shook his head, facing the floor and closing his eyes as a silent chuckle escaped his lips, trying to keep his composure. “Wow, haven't come out like this for five years. This is weird.”

Castiel stared, wary and unsure if he was being messed around with, meeting gaze with Dean when he looked up, honest eyes and face enlightened by a crooked smile. “I didn't mean to offend you or something, I wanted to find out whether you're still queer or not.”

There was a moment of silence, Dean waiting for an answer or something alike, Castiel too overwhelmed to give him one. His mind didn't know anymore what to think, he hadn't slept properly for days, he was exhausted and done for, and now this.

“Not gonna lie, Castiel, I fell for you the moment I saw you.” he remarked, leaning against the table again with a lopsided sneer, winking at Castiel who frowned. “Didn't seem like it.” he snorted, crossing his arms in front of his chest, reproachfully.

“Just 'cause you look like you do doesn't mean I'll be blind and let my guard down.” Dean grumbled, narrowing his eyes. “You're not the first good looking guy standing in front of the settlement. Don't be haughty.”

Castiel flinched, biting his lip as he nodded in consternation, wondering why he'd acted this way, no matter how offended he was, this wasn't like him. He looked up to Dean, apology in his eyes, wanting to start over again without having this conversation.

 

“Well, that was shot in the dark.” Dean sighed, exhaling as he relaxed. “Gabriel could've told you. But I guess this moron wanted me to get into this kind of situation.”

“He's always been a jokester.” Castiel added, looking to the ground with drawn up brows, thinking of all the times his brother had brought him into unpleasant and nasty situations just for fun.

“Yeah, didn't meet him that often, but he knew how humans worked. Knew how to let you walk right into a trap.” he said, giving an amused nod and watched Castiel, absentmindedly. “He did love you, you know. Bet he still does.”

“Wouldn't have guessed he talked about me to strangers.” Castiel mumbled, shooting a glance at Dean, half delighted his brother cared so much about him, half stressed out he just told strangers about his sexuality. But then again, Gabriel never really minced words, he could've expected him to be open about this.

Dean shrugged his shoulders, not mentioning how Gabriel had only really started to talk about his brother after he'd found out Dean was homosexual. It presumably wasn't even intended as Gabriel was never bothered about either of them being gay.

He'd known it wasn't something out of the ordinary, there were a lot of people like this, and he was one of the few who weren't convinced homosexuality was a disease, something disgusting. And Dean had appreciated it.

“Kinda wish he'd introduced me to you before all this happened.” Dean muttered and sighed, pulling a chair close to sit on. “It's more complicated now, with all the fucking homophobia.”

“Winchester, you don't really think I'm interested?” Castiel grunted, frowning at the man strangely gazing up to him, curious.

“You are. I'm not stupid, I notice the way you look at me.” he sneered, cracking a wolfish smile and made Castiel roll his eyes at his self-confidence. He wasn't mistaken though.

“Don't get me wrong, but I was just sent to hell for being gay, by the people I thought of as my friends. They threw me out of the settlement, my home.” he uttered bluntly, coldly glaring. “I think it is obvious why I am not going to engage in a relationship with you, or any other man.”

“That's why you're here? And what now, you just wanna stay alone forever?” Dean noted, drawing up a brow to give a an unimpressed, disbelieving look, not convinced Castiel would really do as he claimed.

Maybe not today, and maybe not in a month, but he wouldn't refuse any relationship forever, humans had needs, desires, urges, the wish to find a single partner to spend the rest of their life with.

Castiel couldn't run away from his needs, his very instincts forever, and he should know that, especially being a homosexual.

He must've experienced it too, the uncertainty, worries, the sensation of just not swinging the right way, the normal way, as everybody and the media told him. And he knew he wasn't normal, but there was no way he could resist it.

 

In Dean's opinion, everybody had been there, questioning their sexuality at some point. Yet not everyone who noticed they were actually swinging the other way could embrace it, wanted to accept who they were.

Part of society told them it was weird, disgusting, a disease, so acknowledging and appreciating their own homosexuality could be hard, impossible for some.

But they could never resist, and Dean wasn't different. He had tried, he hadn't been able to confess it to himself for a long time, he'd told himself it was a phase. But no matter how convinced he thought he was, every time he'd seen a handsome guy, he couldn't resist to stare, couldn't help but look after him, eyes examining his face, his body.

He wasn't sure if he remembered correctly, but he must've been 16 at the time. No matter how hard he'd tried, he just couldn't stop admiring men, not then and certainly not now. The difference was, he'd came to terms with it by now, he embraced it and he willingly checked out other guys.

Castiel certainly was okay with his sexuality, at least in his mind, otherwise he wouldn't be able to talk that calmly about this matter, without freaking out, yelling or leaving.

It was understandable he feared another expulsion, he'd obviously just experienced one, but he couldn't deny who he was, what he felt, not forever.

“You're gonna break yourself.” Dean blurted out as he didn't receive a reply, Castiel just silently staring at him, working jaw and visibly annoyed. “You know what, take your time. Settle down, get to know everything, acclimate yourself, and we'll see then.”

Castiel breathed out, dragging his fingers through the black, messy hair, noticing the dirt which clung to some strands, nodding in agreement.

“Don't get your hopes up too much, though.” he muttered, casually wiping the dust from his hair on his pants as he thought they were dirty anyways. He needed to change, wash his clothes and take a bath, just to feel better.

“I'll get you a bed in one of the shacks and make sure you've got what you need, clothes and something to eat.” Dean mentioned, getting on his feet before shoving Castiel to where he'd been sitting. “Wait here, I need to talk to some people, could take a few minutes.”

 

Castiel waited for the man to leave the room, closing the door behind him, until he found the courage to risk a look around. For some reason he didn't want Dean to think he was prying around, invading his privacy.

He noticed some pictures, mostly photos of people, loosely hung up on the wall without a frame, just the photo paper. There was no need for a frame.

From where he was, he could recognize Dean in a few of them, sometimes together with another guy, most likely the brother he'd mentioned. He noticed there was a blonde woman in some of the photos and Castiel wasn't sure whether the kid beneath her was Dean when he had been young, but it seemed like it.

Another one gaining his attention was a much younger Dean, maybe ten years old, towering on top of a rusty old car, arms high above his head and smiling towards the person behind the camera. Something about this picture made him happy, a warm sensation welling up in his stomach.

Maybe it was the broad smile, Dean's cheerful expression, showing what Castiel hadn't seen of him yet, the other side of Dean Winchester, not the more serious one with his wolfish grin, almost leering.

Given that this side of him still existed, he wanted to see it. A lot had changed, Dean had grown up and he may not be as innocent and cheerful as he'd been when the picture was taken, but Castiel felt like he wanted to do anything to see it.

 

The door opened and Castiel turned, pretending he hadn't been looking at the photos at all, eyeing the man who wasn't Dean and stared at him perplexed. He frowned, big eyes locked on Castiel, visibly surprised.

“I didn't- I was just waiting here.” Castiel stammered, standing up from the chair and held his hands before him, calming. “I am waiting for Dean. You're his brother, I suppose?”

The man squinted his eyes, relaxed his muscles a bit as he reached out to close the door again, always keeping sight of the stranger.

“Right.” he said, slowly and wary, eyeing him suspiciously from head to toe. He didn't seem to think Castiel would attack him, yet he was cautious. “You're his... what? His recent lover?”

“I'm Castiel Novak, I just came here and your brother is getting me a place to sleep right now.” he explained, dropping his hands to his sides again, nervously burying one of them in his pocket. The man's face lightened up, nodding thoughtfully, somewhat apologizing.

“Novak? Do you have a brother named Gabriel?” he asked, expression now more open and less suspicious. “And I'm sorry, it's the first time Dean let someone in here. It was a joke.”

“No need to hide, I know, but still I'm not his lover.” Castiel retorted, trying to reassure him after he'd thought he had just exposed his brother's secret. “And yes, Gabriel is my brother.”

“I see, nice to meet you.” he sighed in relieve, brushing a strand of hair out of his face, giving a small smile. “By the way, I'm Sam.”

Castiel bobbed his head, gaze wandering off to look out of the window, having spotted Dean out there, apparently on his way back. It had not taken him long, not as long as he'd thought.

 

“Damn easy thing. Got you a bed.” Dean uttered as he entered, stopping when he noticed Sam, drawing his brows up before he smiled, going in for a hug. “Back already? Glad you're safe and sound.”

Turning to Castiel, he nodded towards the door, symbolizing him to follow and patted his brother on the shoulder before he lead Castiel out.

“So you met my brother.” he stated the obvious and looked at Castiel out of the corner of his eye, biting down on his lip. “He was out there hunting, I didn't expect him to be home by now, I'm sorry he ran into you like this.”

“It's fine, he was nice to me.” Castiel shrugged his shoulders, brushing away whatever Dean was concerned about.

“Yeah, he's always like that, I guess. Always tried to keep me on the right track.” Dean chuckled, huffing at the sudden picture of a scolding Sam building in his mind. “See where that got me.”

“You're the leader here, right? I don't see why that's a bad thing.” Castiel wondered, giving the man a confused expression.

“Not quite, third in command, actually.” he corrected and sighed, long and stressed out. “Sounds like having a fucking blast, but it's just a shitload of work to do.”

“Comes with responsibility and importance, Winchester. Snap out of it.” Castiel annotated in a matter-of-fact manner, making Dean huff at his impudence.

“Dude, would you stop calling me that? I've got a first name.” he grunted, nudging him. “Don't know about the settlement you were before, but we aren't polite here. We can swear, we can make rude jokes, we don't call each other by the last name. 'Son of a bitch' is my catchphrase.”

Castiel narrowed his eyes in perplexity, surprised about how loose the rules here were, not used to it from his previous settlement. He also would've expected them to introduce him to the leaders and members of the group, but apparently this wasn't provided in the rules either.

 

Instead, Dean brought him to a shack without telling anyone they met on their way about Castiel, who wasn't sure if he felt comfortable with that. He already was new and now he'd have to live his life here without knowing anyone other than Dean and Sam, having met the latter just very briefly.

The shack was just like the one the brothers shared, apart from the lack of personal things, which probably wouldn't change that much. Castiel didn't have anything except for a single photo showing him, Gabriel and Lucifer.

Well, there was his trench coat still stored in his back pack, the one he'd always had ever since he could remember, but it wasn't that decorative. Someone had given it to him when he'd been a kid, someone from his family, maybe a grandparent. His brothers had kept it safe until he was big enough to fit in, and he treasured it.

“You go take a shower, I'll obtain some clothes somewhere to provide you.” Dean informed him, pointing at a door on the other side of the room and wanted to turn around but was cut off by Castiel before he could.

“You've got showers here?” he asked, visibly surprised and with disbelief in his voice, tilting his head. “How did you manage that?”

“Don't ask me about that kinda stuff, I know how to fix your car, not your shower.” Dean frowned and raised his hands defensively. “Also the water's not that warm when it's cold outside, but it's something.”

Castiel gave a nod, waited for Dean to go and then let his back pack slide off his shoulders, carelessly putting it on the ground, leaned against the table leg.

Cold water wasn't something to bug him, after all he'd been using the one they found in the nature all these years, buckets of water to wash themselves or just taking a bath in the river, which wasn't exactly warm.

So hearing they had actual showers inside their shacks with actual lukewarm water was more than just a pleasant surprise.

 

The room with the shower inside wasn't big, he could easily touch the walls on both sides if he wanted to, but that didn't matter. It had a shower and a towel, more than he had expected there to be when he arrived.

Castiel spotted a small sink and a cracked mirror above, walking over to take a look at himself, flinching when he saw how brown his skin looked from all the dirt and dust, his hair a total mess and his stubble longer than he wanted it to be, almost a beard. He didn't see how Dean could've fallen for him just because of his looks.

Just his eyes stood out, light blue stressed from the darker color of his skin, making them look way brighter than he remembered them to be.

Sighing, he took his shirt off, regarding the paler skin underneath, protected from the sun and dust, before he got out of his shoes and pants.

The shower was just a cut off section of the room, a curtain to keep the water in and a shower head with a simple handle, but Castiel had nothing to complain about.

He didn't even care that the water was bloody cold the first two minutes, just enjoying it to be able to take a shower again, after five years of washing with buckets.

When the warm water came he didn't know if it just felt like it because he was too used to cold water, but it seemed hot, not anything close to lukewarm.

Castiel closed his eyes and exhaled deeply as he felt his muscles relax, the warm water seemingly washing all the exhaustion and tiredness away, giving him back some of his old strength.

He hadn't felt like this in a long time and he'd never want to get out again if he could, staying in here forever. Yet he had to and no matter how much the water helped his drained body, his bones were still heavy, screaming for rest.

Castiel wavered, taking the piece of soap he'd found in the corner of the shower, contemplating whether to stay a few minutes longer or get out, grant his body its well-deserved rest, his brain a little sleep.

He wasn't only physically done for, but also mentally, worn out by walking and barely sleeping for days, always fearing his next step may be his last one.

He missed his brothers dearly, he even missed the people back at the settlement, no matter the fact they sent him away. Rules were rules, and he broke them. Castiel had known from the beginning they wouldn't allow homosexuals, but that rule seemed dumb at the time. He underestimated how consequential they were, it was his fault.

 

After he'd washed his hair using the soap, slightly smelling like watermelon, he got out, quickly wrapping the towel around his body, drying himself off a little.

Castiel ignored his clothes scattered on the floor, peeking out of the bathroom before walking out. He didn't want anybody to stand there, confronted with a stranger only wearing a towel on his hips.

When he wanted to go pick up his back pack, he found clothes placed on the table, fresh and clean. Dean must have brought them when he had showered, just like he'd promised, but part of Castiel had expected him to wait until he was finished instead of leaving.

Exhaling, he looked through the clothes, picking some sweatpants and a plain shirt, something comfortable to sleep in. There were jeans, pullovers and more shirts, even a leather jacket, anything he'd need, but these were for later.

The room behind the door where he estimated the bedroom to be located turned out to have two beds in it, or rather two mattresses, presumably made from straw or hay.

Each in one corner of the room, which wasn't big enough to fit much more mattresses in it, maybe just one in between the other two.

Castiel put on the shirt and got into the sweatpants, not having to care if he was being seen as the windows were covered with curtains, dark enough to hide everything.

As he chose one of the mattresses, randomly without any reason sitting down on it, he contemplated if it was an option to make his brothers join him, come to this settlement in order to be with him again.

It wasn't, he'd declined when they proposed to accompany him for a good reason, and now he wouldn't take the risk just because he thought this settlement was better than the old one.

Missing them but knowing they were safe and sound was way better than being the cause of their death, just because he'd thought they'd live a better life in another place.

It wouldn't be easy, it would cause him a lot of anguish to be separated from them, maybe forever, but it was better this way, safer.

 

Castiel laid down and shifted, trying to find a comfortable position, easily finding it because he felt like his body would be able to sleep in any given circumstance right now.

His eyes felt heavy and he closed them, savoring the moment he finally could just lie there, rest and forget everything. There wasn't any danger, there were no raiders wanting to kill him in his sleep, nothing to cause him harm. He could just relax, sleep as long as he wanted to.

It wasn't long until he felt his mind drift into sleep, longing for rest, happy it was all over now. He couldn't remember the last time he wanted to sleep so bad, and he savored every second.

Gabriel had been right, Dean Winchester could be trusted, and it had been a good idea to give it a try, dare to believe in a total stranger just this one time.

Dean Winchester will understand, he will help. You can trust Dean.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

* * *

 July 13, 2005

Wednesday

 

34 days later

* * *

 

 

Getting to know everyone, settling down had been easier than Castiel would've thought, at first he feared he might never really arrive, never deem this place his home, but his worries had been needless.

He'd soon accepted all the work he was burdened with, seeing it as a way to distract him from his misgivings, doubts, his very thoughts. It was an acceptable possibility to cope with what bothered him, also making the longing for a reunion with his brothers just half as bad.

Much to his surprise, they were the only thing he missed about his old place, almost completely blanking out his old friends back there.

The new settlement hosted more than a hundred people, which was surprisingly much as groups usually consisted of about thirty members, and there were just very few he didn't get along with.

It took most of them a while to get used to him, Castiel being kind of the weird guy, but they learned to ignore it, some even came to love his presence, his personality, never mind him sometimes not quite catching up with what other people said, meant or felt.

Few weeks passed and he had found the first people he could call friends, forgetting what his old ones did, forgetting a friendship wasn't always forever when the going gets rough.

His best friends he had found in Dean and Sam Winchester, spending time with them whenever he could, talking with them about just anything, yet never the past.

It was an unspoken fact, a thing the three of them knew without having to speak it out loud, they would never talk about their past, the time before the war.

They wanted to keep it all away, the memories of bygone times, in order to live in the present rather than mourning about what was long gone, not of importance anymore.

Talking about how it used to be, complaining about how everything was better then, it wouldn't matter, it wouldn't improve anything. In fact, it would only tear them down, make them aware of how much their life, the present days and the world sucked.

 

And it did, it was horrible, unbearable. Castiel knew he'd fallen in love during the month he'd been here, he had irrefutably and irreversibly fallen in love with Dean, but it didn't matter. It was the same the other way around, Castiel was aware, Dean had told him, but this also didn't matter.

None of it mattered because regardless of how much they loved each other, it had happened at the wrong time, plain and simple.

Had they met a few years earlier, they would've at least been able to be together for a short time, just one or two years, but it wasn't the case, it wasn't reality, just in Castiel's mind. And it bugged him, mixing up with everything else he couldn't help but worry about, made him have sleepless nights.

It was a warm feeling in his stomach every time he laid gaze on Dean, talking or not, but it came along with another sensation, a narrowing feeling, clenching in his chest, similar to anxiety.

He liked to remember the way Dean had looked at him the second day, the one after he'd arrived, after he'd washed, shaved and changed into clean clothes. Dean would stare at him, eyes big and absentminded, dreaming, lips parted a bit in surprise and admiration.

“Damn, you look fine.” he'd breathe after he had pulled himself together again, shaking his head still baffled by how different this Castiel looked from the one standing in front of the settlement, dirty and searching for shelter.

Castiel knew this wasn't Dean hitting on him, he'd been visibly surprised and taken aback, definitely not capable to really start a flirtation, it was just pure admiration. He enjoyed to remember this, just these few seconds.

 

It had been two weeks later that Dean confessed, telling him he felt like he was continuously falling in love with Castiel more and more, couldn't do anything about it even if he'd intended to.

Dean didn't want to convince him by confessing at the time, he didn't want to force him into a relationship or to make him think about it again, it was just casually transferring information, knowing Castiel wouldn't mind.

He didn't, he felt the same way, cherishing strong feelings by now, relentlessly growing within him day after day and there was no way he'd be able to stop it. He didn't even want it to, not really.

Those sensations felt good, the warmth inside his stomach whenever their gazes met, whenever they talked, whenever Dean's hand touched his shoulder, squeezing a little more than necessary, still leaving others unaware.

When he'd accepted he admired every little detail about Dean, the way he talked, smiled, how he sometimes did this little pout of his lips, he didn't mind staring anymore. At least when there weren't a lot of people around, it would often take him a bunch of seconds to look away again when they were having a conversation.

He knew it was love at these moments.

 

Dean seemed to be what could be considered the perfect leader, something about him screamed authority, danger, maybe it was how he glared and talked when he needed something to get done. There was always this little shiver running down Castiel's spine while he watched him giving orders, informing people about plans.

There was quite a difference between the Dean spending quality time with Castiel and the third-in-command Dean, objectively addressing a problem or matter.

Just one thing Castiel had noticed when it came down to him being involved, Dean seemed to try to not put him at risk too much, wanting him to stay on the sidelines as much as possible.

He hadn't been on many missions with them, it was how they called their regular excursions into the woods, mostly for hunting, but every time Dean had given him the least dangerous position, the one where he wouldn't be at the front but also not the last person to follow the group.

At first he had not thought much of it, but the third and forth time got him a little suspicious, curious whether Dean tried to protect him.

When he'd approached him, confronting him with his assumption, Dean hadn't said anything, just winking at him before he walked off.

Castiel didn't know what to think of it at the time, Dean's behavior made it clear enough, he felt bad that other people's lives were rather put on stake than to choose unbiased, but on the other side it made him feel special, important, and he enjoyed it. Especially since it was Dean who had a liking to him.

 

It didn't take long until Castiel had formed a habit of watching Dean as they were on a mission, walking through the forest or waiting for something, tracking down animals on a hunt.

With Dean always being in front of him, his attention would be drawn to him soon anyway, no matter how hard he tried.

There was something about that man, Castiel couldn't exactly point it out, couldn't say what made him so fond of Dean in particular, but maybe it was just all about him.

Castiel's gaze was fixed to Dean's back, slowly moving up and down as he walked, trying to avoid falling or making loud noises.

He had such broad shoulders, Castiel couldn't help it, he'd always notice how well-built Dean was whenever he looked at him.

When he'd first laid eyes onto him, he'd known it would be difficult, he'd known being near this man couldn't ever just be a casual thing, nothing too big of a deal, even if he hadn't fallen in love with him.

But Dean was way more than just his looks, he was so caring even though he really didn't seem like it at first, he was always trying to make everything right.

Castiel could see how much his brother meant to him, he could see Dean would do anything to keep him safe, happy.

Sam wasn't there today, Dean would barely let him join his group on any missions as he felt like it was too much of a risk, he couldn't take care of the both of them, Sam and Castiel, not at once.

 

They were a group of twenty, all of them experienced fighters and hunters, carefully sneaking through the woods in order to obtain supplies and inventories such as food, medicine, weapons and if they were lucky, alcohol.

The settlement was running low on penicillin and analgesic, both of pretty high importance as injured people constantly were brought in from a hunt.

It wasn't always that bad of a wound, but they'd have to do everything to prevent it from getting worse, inflammation or even blood poisoning was anything but rare living under conditions like this.

Castiel felt like he'd seen everything, he still had pictures in his head, images of wounds so bad he had the urge to vomit. He had actually seen people do it when their gaze met an especially severe wound.

Castiel himself had some scars from prior wounds, but not one had been bad enough for him to be dependent on analgesic.

He was a pretty good fighter, not exactly the best in his opinion, but good enough to survive and obviously good enough for the group to take him with them on missions.

Dean was honest with him, he hadn't been too happy about that, but it wasn't his decision as long as it didn't concern his family. He couldn't keep him out of this, couldn't leave him at the settlement when they were going on missions, but he'd at least try to keep him safe as good as he could.

 

Castiel noticed Dean's head tilting to the side, apparently eyeing something as he nearly stumbled, stopping in his motion.

“Don't take another step!” he shouted, signalizing the others to halt where they were, but not all of them seemed to react in time.

It all happened in a flash, so suddenly Castiel wasn't sure what was going on for a few seconds, his ears hurting as something in front of the group exploded, fire expanding and engulfing some of them, earth and splinters slicing the air.

As Castiel threw himself on the ground instinctively, he felt something graze his cheek and another pain in his leg, just above his knee.

He pressed his body to the ground, arms folded over his head, waiting for the explosion to fade. His ears and head were tingling from the loudness, the fear something was going to happen to him, and he felt dazed, dizzy

It took a moment for him to look up again, eyes wide in shock and trying to process, searching what had been the cause for the explosion.

He heard people scream, saw the flaring of fire still surrounding them until they fell, just three of his group as another two had instantly been killed in the explosion. He shook his head in disbelief, terrified by what he had to watch without being able to help, by what had happened.

Soon the flames faded, having burnt the bodies, now lying on the ground and the sounds of their screams were gone, moans reaching his ears instead. Castiel's eyes wandered, making out some of his comrades in the smoke, pressed to the ground and partly covered by leaves, dirt and ash.

Something in his chest clenched, fear welling up as he couldn't find Dean, couldn't recognize him under all the filth, unsure whether he was okay, alive.

His gaze roamed around, panicked, searching the ground for him, searching the woods in a desperate hope he could somehow have gotten out of this, somehow made it further away.

Castiel noticed a yellow, horizontal line on one of the trees in front of the group, making him narrow his eyes, thinking. Soon he'd found another one, and then a third one, all of them on different trees but definitely not randomly placed.

They marked a territory, just a short distance from where he was now, where the explosion had been. One of his group must have crossed the line and stepped on a landmine, Dean had tried to prevent it when he'd noticed the yellow paint.

 

“It's a trap!” Castiel heard Dean shout from somewhere, just before there was the report of a gun, stinging in his ears, making them numb a little. “Everyone, withdraw!”

Something fell down a tree, making a thud when it met the ground and Castiel looked to see a body, killed by a bullet straight to the chest. It must have been Dean who'd seen and shot the guy.

Castiel felt something gripping his collar and pulling him to his feet, a stinging pain shooting through his body, someone yanked him, turning him around and his gaze met Dean's, horrified and full of adrenaline. His group was already moving, those who'd survived ran back to where they'd come from.

“Fucking run when I tell you.” he grumbled hastily and followed Castiel's eyes, looking down to his leg where blood had dyed his jeans red.

Another shot sliced the air and both their heads turned, watching someone drop to the ground. Dean's lips twitched and he sucked in the air, clenching his teeth as he looked at Castiel again, urgent. “Can you w-”

“I can, I can run.” he interrupted, shoving Dean forward as he started to run, changing directions, running around trees to not make an easy target, ignoring the pain in his leg as much as possible, grimacing at the stinging sensation.

Both Dean and Castiel tried to not pay attention to the screams and sounds around them, their comrades dropping to the dirty ground when they were hit by a bullet.

They couldn't do anything, they knew, it bothered them, ate away at their conscience, but they knew they couldn't help. Stopping and trying to shoot all of the enemies in the trees would be nothing other than suicide.

They didn't need to run far away, not until they were back at the settlement, they just needed to get far enough to be beyond reach of gunshot, maybe a little more to escape in case they were being followed.

It wouldn't be long, but there was the constant fear of getting shot anyway, stumbling and falling, they wouldn't have a chance.

 

Castiel tried to keep up with Dean even with his hurt leg which sent waves of pain through his body every time he put weight onto it, every step he took. At times it felt like it was going numb and he nearly fell as it did, surprised at the sudden loss of sensation.

He had no idea where Dean was headed, if he planned to just run as far as their feet could carry them, as far as Castiel's leg would, or if he wanted to reach a place where they could hide for the moment.

Following Dean's lead at this speed wasn't easy, it never was since he seemingly could run faster than anyone, but with even a minor wound, it seemed impossible.

“Dean.” he breathed out, gritting his teeth at another sting in his leg, wanting to press a hand onto the wound to ease the pain just a little. The man glanced over his shoulder for a second, slowing down as he saw Castiel's pained expression.

He'd wanted to run further, just to make sure, but Castiel wouldn't make it with this wound, so he let his eyes wander around, searching for something to hide.

They hadn't found any chance earlier to have a closer look to the wound, it might as well be nothing, but just the possibility it needed some kind of prior treatment as soon as it was possible made him cautious.

Dean almost stopped, taking a deep breath as he grabbed Castiel's arm, dragging him closer to rest on his shoulders in order to support him while they walked a few more steps, heading for a small pit behind a tree.

It wasn't for long, they would easily be seen if someone really tried to track them down, but he didn't think the enemies would actually follow them this far.

 

Dean let Castiel sit on the ground, shooting a quick glance into the woods, but there was neither one of their comrades nor someone else to be seen, so he immediately knelt down before him and tried to roll up the trouser leg, carefully to not cause him pain.

“Gonna need some painkillers, huh.” Dean noted when Castiel flinched, instinctively pulling his leg away. “We gonna get them for ya, it's gonna be alright.”

Castiel huffed at his tries to cheer him up, tell him this situation wasn't a big deal for the great Dean Winchester, even though he barely had enough air in his lungs either and his face was worried and grieving, contrite.

“This isn't that bad. I mean, this is not okay, but you're okay.” Dean mumbled distracted, driveling, as he'd laid gaze onto the wound, the blood. “I'll need to get this out, now. Want something to bite?”

Castiel frowned, following Dean's gaze to face the truth, eyeing a splinter stuck a few inches above his knee. Dean was right, it wasn't that bad, but pulling it out would definitely hurt. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Wish we were panting like this together under different circumstances.” Dean grinned, waiting for Castiel to chuckle at this before he pulled out the splinter.

“Fuck.” Castiel hissed and bit down on his lip, grimacing. He inhaled deeply, waiting for the pain to fade until he exhaled again. “At least tell me.”

“Dude, that's exactly what it wasn't about.” he stated, patting his shoulder before he stared down on the wound again. “But you're fine now. Medicine and painkillers, then bandage this bitch and you're ready to go.”

“You're being optimistic.” Castiel remarked, closing his eyes and leaning his head back, trying to think of something else than his wound and the way back.

“Optimistic that I will receive something in return for treating you.” he sneered and Castiel glanced at him, frowning in disbelief. “Geez, Cas, doesn't have to be right now on the spot.”

“Would you please stop?” he grumbled and shook his head, though admiring that wolfish smile which always seemed to get him. “I told you, I won't take the risk.”

“I know. But if I kissed you right here, right now, nobody would ever find out. Just saying.” Dean sighed and stared to the ground, lifting his hands defensively, in a try to calm Castiel down.

 

Castiel felt something in his mind considering it, trying to convince himself there was no risk at all, no chance someone would pass by and see them, but he knew that wasn't right.

Some members of their group were still out there and they could appear any time, come around the tree searching for a place to hide, discovering them.

“Dean...” he breathed, frowning at Dean's absentminded expression, frustrated ever so slightly. He knew Dean hadn't given up yet, not at all, and it made him feel bad to always turn him down. “You know I-”

“No, it's okay, I get it.” Dean blurted out, still not looking at him again, getting back on his feet. “I'm fine and I understand, I really do.”

Castiel sighed, knowing it was only half the truth. Dean did understand, he had the same fears to some extent, but he wasn't all fine about it, it bothered him and he couldn't hide it.

“We should leave now, get back to the settlement and report what happened. They won't appreciate it.” Dean said, reaching out for Castiel to help him up, but he didn't take his hand.

“Dean, you're always doing this, don't distract.” he stared at him, worried and requesting. “I think we should talk.”

“About what, Cas? We've already talked about everything, I know what you think about this and you know what I think.” he huffed, bending down to grab his arm. “We're leaving.”

Castiel didn't fight back, letting Dean put his arm around his neck again to support him, help him put less weight on his leg. He knew this conversation was over now.

 

“How far is it?” Castiel muttered, concentrating on breathing calmly and regularly, the pain in his leg at least bearable now.

“Not too far, you're gonna make it.” Dean reassured, patting his shoulder and glanced at him, examining. “Let's hope we're not the only ones.”

Castiel bobbed his head, biting his lip as he wondered how many of them had survived, would make it home. He slowly realized how lucky he had been, how lucky Dean had been. Just a few steps further, just one bullet, and he'd be dead now.

It was scary, frightening. A human life was so precious, so complex, so beautiful, and yet so fragile. Years of experience and struggle could be taken away in just the blink of an eye, all the emotions someone had felt, everything they'd lived through, all gone, wasted.

Castiel knew best it didn't always feel like continuing was worth it, he'd been to the point where he wanted to give up, way too often, but he'd always decided to keep fighting.

If it wasn't for his brothers, his friends, for himself, it was to revolt. To rebel against something he didn't really know, couldn't point out what exactly, against injustice, society, life itself.

He didn't like the idea of giving up that easy, throwing away everything he was. There was so much more to life than just existing, more than just unreasonable chaos, there was art, hope, love, dreams, so many things that made continuing worth it. He wanted to live.

The world he was living in as it was now sure didn't grant him that much, art was almost gone, his hopes were mostly ridiculously visionary, the love he sought was out of reach, his dreams either quixotic or chaotic.

But he still found joy in just the smallest things, even if it meant he couldn't have what he really desired, what he already had was enough.

When he'd arrived at the settlement, when he first saw Dean, he wouldn't have thought he'd soon be this close to Dean, to the Winchesters, but it was one of the best things to ever happen to him.

Life was hard right now, he didn't feel like the war had really ended with the countries surrendering, winning or losing. It was just as bad now like it was during the war, maybe worse, but the Winchesters made it more bearable, sometimes even fun.

 

“Cas, you're falling back.” Dean noted, walking slower as Castiel seemed to be unable to keep up to him. “You okay? Just tell me if the pain's getting too much.”

He nodded, slowly exhaling in order to pull himself together so he could pick up Dean's pace again, clinging to his shoulders. “I'm fine.”

“Good, we're almost there, yeah?” Dean reassured, caressing his back. “I'll take better care of your wound when we're there, just hold on.”

“Dean, I'm fine.” Castiel insisted more firmly, looking at him out of the corners of his eyes. “You don't have to comfort me, I know we're gonna make it.”

Dean frowned and met his gaze, about to say something when he noticed a faint smile on Castiel's lips. He sighed with a nod, understanding.

He'd been overreacting, nervous, probably because deep down he knew what the real problem was, not Castiel's wound, not reaching the settlement, but rather what would await them there, him.

They had lost men, they straight up ran into a trap and members of their group lost their lives because they weren't careful, not alerted enough. Even if the leaders didn't blame anyone for this, the decedent's families would. Their friends.

Dean had experienced how it felt to be looked at with loathing, reproach and disbelief, the almost monitoring gazes constantly following him every step he took, knowing they thought about what he had messed up. Knowing they blamed him and hated him for that.

Part of him didn't want to go home to report what had happened, to see the pained looks on everyone's faces.

 

When they had arrived, when the gateway closed behind Dean and Castiel, he was already tasting blood from biting his lip over and over again, nervous and preoccupied.

He didn't lock gaze with anyone, didn't want to look someone in the eye as he could imagine what expected him in their expression. They knew, they must be aware both of them arriving here like that wasn't a good sign, it was proof something had happened and their friends were dead. It didn't matter how many or who, people they knew and loved were dead.

Dean was too distracted by his thoughts, he didn't really notice when someone pulled Castiel away from him, his arm slipping off his shoulders. He could've sworn he'd said his name once or twice, but he wasn't sure.

People were staring at him, he could feel it, their gazes piercing, bothering him, so he walked without paying attention to anyone, not towards his shack but where the leaders usually gathered.

To report like it was expected of him, to see how they would react and what the consequences were, in order to escape all of this, the eyes, whispers and the remaining comrades returning.

 

Twelve people died, just eight of them made it home to their friends and family that day.

 

* * *

 

“I don't think that's fair.” Castiel mumbled, mouth full of bread and squinted eyes, head tilted a little while he watched Dean, sitting on the mattress next to him.

His leg had been bandaged and he couldn't move properly, but he was fine, they said it wouldn't take long for him to be back at normal again. He'd have to give his leg some rest for three days, the wound wasn't as bad as it looked when Dean had pulled out the splinter.

“It's the rules. I fucked up.” Dean shrugged his shoulders, eyes facing the ground, casually viewing the bread in his own hands.

“As though it were your fault. You couldn't have known this group expanded its territory. And you tried to warn them.” he argued, bending forward to be in Dean's view, trying to make him look at him.

“They don't care, Cas. I had the responsibility and people died under my command. It doesn't matter if I knew or not, if I tried anything or not.”

Castiel shook his head in disapproval, unable to clothe his thoughts in words, say how unacceptable and ridiculous blaming Dean for this was. “I don't understand why they think it's your fault.”

“It's not about being someone's fault, not really. It's about making it someone's fault because otherwise the people won't have someone to be mad at.” Dean explained, facing him, drawn up brows. “And I happen to be the one who's most likely to be at fault.”

Castiel's lips twitched and he pressed them together, eyes big as he bobbed his head, placing a hand on Dean's back, calming.

“And why did they punish you by canceling your rations?” Castiel asked, offering him the bowl of food he'd received for dinner. “I mean, people will treat you like you've killed those guys, for days, isn't that enough punishment already?”

“They need to do this, punishment is important for the concept. It's a principle.” he noted, wavering if taking more food was proper as Castiel already shared with him. “I won't be allowed to lead another mission for a few weeks, but I'm fine with that. I could use the break.”

 

“Is there something wrong?” Castiel narrowed his eyes, examining. He couldn't tell whether Dean was still influenced by what happened today or if he was just not feeling well in general. It wasn't like him to just take in what people decided for him, or to take a break because he felt like it.

“I'm just tired.” Dean breathed, hand dragging through his hair, sighing. “You know, all of this is bullshit. We lived a normal life before, people didn't die that easily, I had a job, I could fall in love and have a relationship, and now it's just-”

He exhaled and shook his head, eyes closed, trying to keep himself together. “It's bullshit. I am so done and tired of all this.”

“Dean-” Castiel sighed, frowning at him, commiserative. He knew exactly what Dean complained about as he felt the same, but he hadn't been aware he of all people was equally depressed because of the situation, this world.

“I mean, I can deal with people dying, it takes time but I get over it. I don't cry about the job I had or the normal life.” he declared, looking at the ceiling as he bit his lip, thinking. “Struggling everyday. That's okay with me. But I-”

Castiel could imagine what would come so he laid his hand on Dean's shoulder, squeezing slightly, a concerned look on his face as the man eyed him again. “Cas, we could've been together.”

He nodded. The war had taken something away from them without them knowing until now, something they would have a hard time dealing with. It wasn't like losing something and never seeing it again, ultimately forgetting about it.

Instead, they were constantly reminded of what they couldn't have, what they missed, whenever they looked at each other, talked to each other.

There was this longing, a bothering sensation in their chests, grief, heartache, because they didn't have any chance to get close to each other like they wanted, be what they wanted. The world hadn't given them any chance, and it felt like they'd been cheated by life, treated unjustly.

Both of them searched for a possibility to break these rules life had determined, tried to get their way even though everything seemed to play against them.

 

“For some reason this is killing me, not losing people or being looked down on by others.” Dean laughed bitterly, huffing at the thought. “No, people dying is bearable, but, not being able to be with you-”

Castiel faked a smile, eyes fixated on the bowl in his hands, before shooting a glance at the window, the curtain hiding what was outside and the other way around. Castiel hadn't bothered pulling them aside to let some light in, also he didn't like the fact anyone could watch him when he wasn't aware.

Dean followed his gaze, stuck at the window for a few seconds before he faced Castiel again, staring at him to figure out if he was thinking the same.

“I'd really like to kiss you now, Cas, but this isn't gonna end well.” he cleared his throat, taking a deep breath. “I don't think there's a turning back if I do.”

“I know.” Castiel muttered silently, lowering his gaze to stare at his hands blankly, mind somewhere else. “We shouldn't start something we know we won't be able to stop.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

 July 17, 2005

Thursday

 

8 days later

* * *

 

 

"You know we aren't allowed to do this?” Castiel noted, shoving away a branch as he followed Dean, struggling to not trip over the lumpy ground of the forest. They were walking slower than usual, Dean wanting to not put too much stress onto Castiel's leg, even though it was basically back to normal.

Dean didn't seem to have any difficulties moving his body past the trees and branches, despite his heavy backpack and the machete attached to his belt.

“Your sexual orientation isn't allowed, Cas. Do you stop staring at my ass 'cause of that? You don't, so shut your mouth.” Dean grumbled, squinting his eyes at the darkening woods in a try to spot the shimmering of water.

“I'm just saying.” he mumbled, shaking his head, eyes wandering around. “And I am not looking anywhere near your ass.”

“Bet you are, but whatever. You get what I'm saying.” Dean retorted, a delighted smile forming on his lips as he saw the river appear among the trees.

They'd been walking quite a while and some part of him had tried to convince him he'd screwed up, lost track of the path, made them go astray.

Dean had only been here three times, not enough to be perfectly sure he was right about the way, and certainly not when the sun was already setting and the forest got dark and unrecognizable.

“Told you I'd find it.” he grinned, pointing in front of him at the water of the river they'd wanted to reach, made them walk for more than an hour.

“Great, can we go back now before they notice?” Castiel mumbled, biting his lip in uneasiness, mind going on about any possibility how this could turn out, good or bad.

Dean had insisted they'd go on a hunt together, maybe get something to eat just for the two of them, which wasn't allowed, also everyone was banned from going out without a group of at least five people, especially when they planned on staying out until after dusk. Which they did, and he wasn't exactly content with Dean bringing him in this situation.

“I'll tell you one last time, it's okay. I have it all figured out, Sam is helping.” Dean sighed, looking back at him over his shoulder. “Also, I am still third in command no matter what. We'll be fine.”

Castiel didn't reply and just frowned in disbelief, watching Dean as he made his way to the riverside and looked to both sides before he headed to the left, just a few steps, where he dropped his backpack to the ground.

“Not exactly where I was last time, but this will do.” he said, pulling out some things, a blanket to sit on which he spread out onto the grass.

“You want to light a fire?” Castiel asked when he noticed the matches Dean had brought, eyeing the man unsettled. “Do you think it's safe?”

“You're way too concerned about everything, Cas, calm down and have a good time.” Dean scolded with an amused look, patting the blanket. “Sit and shut up.”

 

Castiel nodded his head absentmindedly as he sat down to watch the sun disappear behind the trees, bathing the world in red colors and light flickering in the waves of the river, shimmering.

He was aware Dean wouldn't give in, just as always when he was certain about anything, and he didn't dare to try to convince him, even if he wanted to.

It was Dean's optimistic and undaunted nature which kept surprising Castiel, worried him sometimes but also delighted him. He couldn't explain how someone could be this positive, not immediately assuming the worst, in a world like this.

He felt like it was part of what kept Dean going, what made him wake up everyday thinking he would beat the world just like on any other day, over and over again.

Something about it pleased Castiel, attracted him because it was just the exact opposite of who he was, made him interested in the man even more since he wanted to understand, figure out how it was possible.

Yet it often worried him because there was the constant fear Dean would overdo, tempt his luck a little too much in his undeterred manner, get himself into trouble he couldn't deal with.

Naturally, Castiel wanted to retain him from doing something utterly stupid, to protect him, but Dean was quite the unbridled libertine not letting someone tell him what to do.

Castiel calmed his conscience and worries by reasoning himself into thinking it would turn out well, Dean had apparently survived these past five years without major difficulties, maybe he'd continue to do so.

Maybe Castiel just had to trust Dean, like Gabriel had told him. Maybe these words weren't only meant to convince him Dean would offer his help, they might as well fit any situation and circumstance.

 

“You hungry?” Dean breathed as he dropped some dry branches in front of the blanket. Castiel shifted to look at him and leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Not yet.” he muttered and held back a grin at Dean's little pout as he thought for a moment before sitting next to him, cross-legged. “Maybe later, I suppose we have time.”

“Yeah, Cas, I know you'd rather be back at the settlement.” Dean huffed, glancing at him with a frown. “But please, don't point it out or remark it. I want to have some quality time here.”

Castiel's eyes wandered to the ground, affected a little, closing for a second before he nodded and looked at Dean apologizing. It wasn't fair to act like this, Dean didn't want to bother him by bringing him here.

“You know what this place is?” he said, gaze fixated on the water, the colorful reflections in the waves, before he grinned and faced Castiel who frowned. “It's a place where no one ever passes through, no one from our settlement, I mean.”

“Knew there was some kind of ulterior motive.” Castiel just remarked, blankly staring at the man, trying not to chuckle or shake his head in disbelief.

“Cas, don't give me that.” Dean exhaled, shifting, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. “Let's at least try, no one is here except us and no one will come. It's a way, Cas, not perfect I have to admit, but we don't have to continue staying away from each other.”

“We can't keep disappearing from the settlement to come here, someone will notice.” he retorted, sitting straight again to look him in the eye, serious expression on his face.

“We'll figure out a way.” Dean argued and restrained himself from moving closer. “And even if we don't, no one will notice if we just go every few days. Maybe once a week. Or, a month. It's little, yes, but worth it, Cas.”

Castiel opened his mouth, wanting to reason why he thought this would never work out, but he exhaled deeply, dragging a hand across his face. This conversation was useless.

“Cas, look, give it a try. You'll like it, and we can still decide later.” he requested, firmly staring at him, head tilted and bent forward a little.

“You never give up, do you?” Castiel sighed and cleared his throat, watching the other man shake his head, then he nodded towards the pile of branches. “Would you light a fire, it's getting cold.”

 

Dean knew he was just trying to find an excuse to quit this conversation and leave that matter at rest for now, it wasn't getting that cold, not enough for them to have to rely on a fire, but he didn't refuse.

Knowing the fire would take him maybe a few minutes to light, he stayed silent, thinking, as he put stones around the spot he'd determined to be the fireplace. “Gimme the matches.”

He carefully stacked the branches and some dry grass, lighted it and waited until the flames got bigger before he put more wood on top. The past few days had been hot, so lighting a fire was a matter of a few seconds. He could probably set the whole forest on fire if he just threw a match on the ground.

Considering this, he grabbed a bottle and got up to get some water, pouring it around the fireplace to keep the dry grass safe from catching alight.

“Done, now could we please talk this out.” Dean sighed, blinking as he turned around to see Castiel taking off his jacket, revealing the plain sleeveless shirt he wore underneath, just about to get up, shoes put next to the blanket. “Whoa, I said talk this out, not fuck it out.”

Castiel just frowned in disbelief, continuing to roll up the legs of his trousers, despite Dean watching every movement, not even trying to hide his gaze. He didn't really bother.

Carelessly throwing his socks onto the ground, he walked towards the river without paying any more attention to Dean who narrowed his eyes in confusion.

“Dean, if you still want to get your kiss, I advise you better join me.” Castiel mentioned, making Dean draw up his brows, lips parted.

 

The water wasn't that cold, he'd expected it to be the temperature of the river back at his old settlement, but this one wasn't as deep, so the sun must've warmed it a bit more. Actually, it was quite refreshing.

It didn't take him long to adjust to the cool river, so he turned around to look out for Dean when he was deep enough for the water to reach his knees, finding Dean already standing near the water, barefoot and trousers rolled up above his knees.

“That was fast.” Castiel noted, giving an amused glance while Dean watched his step to not hurt himself on a stone.

“Would've been faster if you'd told me earlier.” he grinned, ignoring the cold surrounding his legs as he closed up to Castiel. “You know I'm impatient.”

“You have waited a month, now you can't wait another ten seconds?” Castiel took the hand Dean had lifted, reaching out for him, intertwining their fingers. “How do you intend to bear coming here only once a month?”

“I can, but I don't want to.” he said, putting his free hand on Castiel's neck, thumb stroking his jawline, feeling the stubble, excited to finally be able to touch him like that. “You still in for a kiss?”

“There's no one around, right?” Castiel frowned slightly, hiding all the doubts he still had no matter what, the shadow of a smile on his face, gazing up at Dean, blue eyes wide and provoking.

Dean felt his mouth open ever so slightly, he couldn't help but stare, admire Castiel's features against the red of the sunset, let alone look away, lose hold of those deep blue eyes.

Castiel put a hand on his shoulder blade, spreading his fingers as he stroked over his back, slowly and teasingly, giving him goosebumps and sending a shiver through his body.

“How long has it been for you?” Dean breathed, blew a kiss to the mans forehead and parted their hands, grabbing the hem of his shirt to pull him closer against himself, dragging his fingertips across Castiel's side before he pressed his palm to his hip. “Kissing, I mean.”

“Five years.” he answered and squinted his eyes. “No, no that's not true. I kissed a girl a few months ago, just to see if it works, but I'm definitely gay.”

Dean laughed and gave a lopsided grin, winking at Castiel and shifting his hand to rest on his ass. “Bad for the chick, good for me.”

 

Castiel chuckled and shut his eyes as Dean closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to the corner of Castiel's mouth, fingers wandering from his neck to the back of his head, feeling the soft hair.

“Didn't expect you to be shy.” Castiel taunted, just a whisper, impatiently waiting for the man to stop drawing out this moment any longer.

“I'm just savoring this.” Dean breathed, air hot against Castiel's cheek, eyes opening ever so slightly to glance down at him.

“You're not, you're teasing me.” he retorted, palming Dean's cheek to shift his head, lips brushing against his, he could feel him smirk a little. Castiel felt impatience well up within him, pressuring him, wanting him to give in to Dean's teasing.

“Right I am.” Dean drew away a little, licking his lip as Castiel gazed at him, eagerly and unsettled, visibly bothered. “I think I deserve being a bit salty because it took you so long.”

Castiel huffed in disbelief at Dean's behavior, he had been so impatient this whole month and just a few minutes earlier. The way he looked at him made pretty clear how much he wanted him, how excited he was, it didn't slip Castiel's attention how his eyes examined him, yet he still found the strength to take revenge, to restrain himself.

“What do you want, Dean?” Castiel sighed, running his fingers up Dean's side. “Want me to beg? To submit myself to you?”

The other drew his brows up in amusement, contemplating as he gave a small nod, laughing. “Sure thing, but you're not going to. And you don't have to.”

Dean chuckled and leaned in, gently pressing his lips onto Castiel's, lazily kissing for a few seconds, just enjoying the sensation of it, the warm feeling spreading in his stomach, until he pulled him closer to his body.

Castiel wrapped his arms around his neck, one hand on Dean's head, slowly dragging his fingers through the short hair as Dean took his lip between his teeth, carefully biting down on it.

When Dean felt Castiel's mouth open, inviting him, he smiled into the kiss and licked his lips, sliding his tongue in, making the other groan slightly at his rash actions.

He slipped his hands beneath Castiel's shirt, tracked his fingertips up and down his back, leaving hot trails on his skin, everything in his body tingling, pleasant, a moan escaping him.

They continued kissing slowly, savoring every second, tasting and feeling each other, Dean's fingers trailing the outlines of the muscles on Castiel's back, pronounced and firm from working out, keeping in shape, twitching under his every touch.

Castiel leaned in more to press his lips into Dean's harder, more passionate, trying to gain control, to lead him into a state of trance, overwhelmed by fervor and pleasure until he couldn't distinguish between reality and semi-consciousness anymore.

He felt Dean push him, palms firmly placed on his lower back, preventing him from gaining the upper hand. Dean grinned against his lips, biting him softly as he fumbled with his shirt, searching for the hem to pull it up, get rid of that interfering, distracting and annoying fabric, shifting to nip the soft skin on his neck.

 

“Dean-” he groaned, shivers shooting through his body, inhaling as the man sucked at the spot that made his mind go blank, leaning his head back ever so slightly, eyes fluttering shut.

The sensation of Dean's stubble scraping his skin where it was sensitive, the little bite marks he left on his neck, small red spots, it all drove him crazy, made his jaw work, struggling to keep his composure.

Dean pulled him, lead him back to the riverside again, fingers buried in the fabric of the shirt, grip tight. He wanted Castiel to follow, to not have any chance to fight back, follow him to where they could lie down, where Dean could feel his body under his own.

Castiel bent forward to capture Dean's lips in his, reaching out, fingers spreading over his hip and gripping into the fabric of his trousers and shirt.

He felt himself being tugged, spun around and two firm hands on his shoulders pushed him to the ground, making him sit down where the blanket still waited for them to return.

Dean came to rest on him, forcing him to press his back to the ground, propped up on his underarms to tower over him, crushing his lips into Castiel's again, wild and fierce.

It seemed so natural to be together with Dean. Like he'd never done something different, they'd always been this way. His worries didn't matter anymore, the fact they took a risk wasn't appreciable, his very thoughts and mind just concentrating on one thing, Dean. It felt like his life had been designed for being with him, everything had been amounting to this one moment.

“I told you-” Dean muttered, kissing him, “you'll like it.” He moved, dragging his lips across Castiel's cheek, stopping at his jawline, nibbling there. “I know what I'm doing.”

“I've noticed.” Castiel moaned, sucking in the air through his teeth as Dean bit down on his neck gently, tilting his head to grant him more access to his skin.

 

“Had sex these past five years?” he asked, brushing the soft skin with his nose as he turned to look at Castiel, panting a little.

“No.” Castiel whispered, hands slipping beneath his shirt, dragging up Dean's back. “Didn't get the opportunity.”

“Want me to fuck you?” Dean breathed, licking his lips as he stared at him, watching the glint in his blue eyes, shimmering from the light of the fire. “You'll love it.”

“You're rude, it's our first date.” Castiel noted, pushing him down into another kiss, starting to tug at Dean's shirt, impatient and hasty.

“That's a 'yes'.” Dean mumbled as he drew away and sat up, pulling the shirt over his head, carelessly casting it away. “Can't hold myself back anyway.” Castiel took a moment, appreciating, taking in the sight to never forget, abs and muscles, eyeing the little scars.

His lips parted as he stared, quickly biting down on his lower lip when Dean chuckled, having noticed him dreaming, checking out what he got.

“Your turn.” Dean shifted in order to pull Castiel up, force him to sit so he could undress him, hasty, get rid of his shirt as well, fingers feeling the bare skin, as much as he could touch. “Man, I knew I'm queer, but damn-”

He didn't mind Dean's eyes raking over him, not even when he pushed him back to lie on the ground again, exposed him, wanting to get a better view. He enjoyed it, all the attention he gave him, expression full of lust, with relish.

“You're losing your dignity, Winchester.” Castiel grinned and grabbed his shoulders, turning him to press his back onto the blanket instead, sitting on top of him.

“Never had any.” Dean rasped, gasping as Castiel bent over him and nipped at his collarbone. “Not around you.” Castiel smiled against his skin, amused, the hot breath causing Dean to shiver.

 

He leaned in to hover over Dean, sliding their mouths together, trying to get the most of him, Dean pushed his hips up, encouraging and challenging, nails biting into Castiel's back.

“You're so impatient.” he drawled, separating their lips to move down, fumbling with his belt. Dean leaned his head back, eyes closing and lips parted as Castiel yanked his trousers down, getting his dick out.

He took it in his hand with a careful squeeze, watching Dean as he squirmed under his touch, moaning, mouth wide open while he jerked him.

“God-” he panted, fingers tangling into Castiel's hair, tugging as he licked at the tip playfully, long and teasing. “God, Cas.”

“Don't worry, you still get to fuck me.” Castiel murmured and closed his lips around his cock, sucking and tonguing slowly. Dean's breath hitched and he swallowed thickly, keeping his eyelids firmly shut. “Damn it, Cas.”

He pulled away a few moments later and sat straight, glancing at Dean, panting and gripping into the blanket, the man who made him imprudent and stupid enough to blow him out in the open where anyone could see them, then moving up again to taste the delicate skin on his neck.

“Don't you just-” Dean growled, wrapping his arms around Castiel as he rolled over, forcing him under his body, “fucking stop like that.”

 

He undid the buttons on his pants, helping him take them off before his lips were over Castiel's again, swollen and reckless. Dean rested on him, hands searching for the mans wrists in order to tuck them to each side of his head, his member outlined to Dean's leg, big and hot.

“Cas.” he mouthed, parting their lips idly, reluctantly, watched Castiel open his eyes to meet his gaze before he knelt, one knee on each side. “Turn around, baby.”

Castiel exhaled shakily as he obeyed, pressing his temple to the ground, gazing at Dean out of the corners of his eyes, half open, watching Dean bend over him again, stroking his lower lip with two fingers. “Suck them.”

He did, taking them in and twirling his tongue around his fingers while Dean trailed some kisses along his jawline, nibbling at his ear until he pulled them back, wet and sticky. “Good boy, Cas.” he breathed hot to the shell of his ear.

“Don't call me that.” Castiel panted, digging his nails into the blanket as Dean circled his hips, his cock brushing hard against Castiel's legs.

“Baby.” Dean corrected with a smirk, leading his fingers down to Castiel's ass, pushing into him recklessly, making him gasp shakily, mouth opening wider. “Breathe, baby, I got ya'. Don't worry.”

He fucked him a few times before he added another finger, nibbling and kissing Castiel's cheek as he grimaced and panted, breath hitching even more with each second. Dean's erect cock pressing to the inside of his leg made him insane, made his mind go crazy for him, impatiently and wild.

He wanted him to fuck him, do things to him he'd never say out loud, grind into him until he saw stars, his world only concentrating around Dean and his dick.

“Dean-” he choked, his voice breaking at the need of air, at Dean scissoring and fucking his fingers into him, “stop teasing.” He tried to manage a glare but it ended up being more of a needy, half open glance. “Just fuck me already.”

Chuckling, Dean pulled out and positioned himself, brushing his neck with his lips, kissing, before he pushed into him, the head of his dick spreading Castiel wide and he inhaled deeply, eyes fluttering shut.

“Fuck-” he gasped, taking the pain as good as he could, waiting for Dean to move. “It's okay, just relax, baby.” Dean murmured, his breath hot against Castiel's neck.

 

“I'm gonna fuck you for good.” Dean said, slowly inhaling in pleasure as he pushed deeper, his dick entirely filling Castiel who opened his mouth wider, throwing his head back. “I'm gonna make it so nice for you.”

Castiel jerked his hips back, meeting Dean's to encourage him, finally make him stop playing and teasing. Dean leaned his forehead to the back of Castiel's head, speeding up a little, carefully thrusting and rolling his hips into him, deeper and faster.

Another lustful moan escaped Castiel's lips and he felt his wrists being grabbed, Dean's hands firmly squeezing as he held them, soon intertwining their fingers, nails biting into each others skin.

“Dean-” Castiel whimpered, voice coarse and breaking, making Dean bury his nose in his hair, biting his lip as he thrust harder, obliging. He freed one hand from Castiel's grip, tracked down his torso to his cock and placed his fingers around it tightly, thumb stroking the sensitive tip, causing a throaty groan from Castiel.

“You're so hard.” he whispered into his ear, starting to jerk him, meeting the pace of his thrusts. “And so hot. God, Cas, you're so hot.”

Castiel moaned into the blanket as Dean hit that one spot, making him dizzy and tingly, sending a wave of pleasure through his body, meeting it over and over again with each thrust.

“Dean, fuck me.” he murmured absentmindedly, inhaling and grimacing. “Right there-” He gritted his teeth and growled, not able to hold himself back, his cock twitching in Dean's hand.

“Come on, baby.” Dean grumbled, lifting Castiel up to get on all fours, him now kneeling and still thrusting relentlessly, even faster, making Castiel reel a little at the different angle. He knew both of them weren't going to last.

Castiel dug his fingers into the blanket, knuckles standing out white from the pressure, holding his breath for a few seconds as he suppressed a shaky moan.

Dean's hand ran up and down his side, fingernails dragging over his skin, tormenting slowly, leaving white streaks where they'd irritated the soft skin.

Castiel dropped his head, meeting each of Dean's thrusts until he was on edge, panting and moaning, crying out into his hand to suppress it, Dean still fucking into him hard and deep for a few moments until he came, bending down and pressing his forehead to Castiel's back, moaning long and jerking forward.

 

Dean's breath brushed over his back, tickling him, and he then slipped away from him, rolling to the ground, panting and exhausted. “Fuck.”

“Yeah.” Castiel whimpered, dropping onto the blanket next to him, trying to control his breath, calm down. “Right.”

It took him a few moments to settle until he curled up beneath Dean, resting his head on his shoulder, Dean's arm around him, stroking his side, both staying silent, watching the stars become more clear as the sun had disappeared, listening to the sounds of the forest.

“Did I tell you I love you?” Dean said, leaning his head against Castiel's. “I mean, you know I do, but did I tell you today?”

“I think you didn't.” Castiel shrugged his shoulders, eyes falling shut in exhaustion, snuggling closer to Dean, closer to his warmth. “I love you, Cas.”

Castiel shifted to look at him, propping himself up and kissed him lazily. “I love you too.”

 

“Cas, you know how you, Sammy and me never talk about our past?” he then asked as Castiel laid back down, sprawling his fingers on the man's chest.

“What about it?” he murmured, tiredly searching for the most comfortable position, head in the crook of Dean's neck.

“That's a fucking stupid rule.” Dean complained and reached for his backpack, pulling out another blanket he'd brought. He hadn't known for sure if they'd sleep with each other tonight, but it was what he'd been hoping for, so he was prepared. “Let's give a shit about that rule. I wanna know more about you.”

“Ask away.” Castiel agreed, helping Dean spread the thin blanket, smiling faintly as he knew why it was there in the first place, why Dean had brought more than one. “What did you do before, Cas?”

“I was studying, psychology.” he sighed and Dean made an inquiring sound. “I always sucked at understanding people, but I loved watching them, I wanted to know more. Also studying it made it easier for me to fit in with society.”

“Makes sense. Way more impressive than me, I was a car mechanic. Specialized in old cars.” Dean laughed, rubbing Castiel's arm up and down, distantly.

“Gabriel had this old car, was that how you two met?” he noted, frowning at the realization, wondering why he never asked about how they came to know each other. “Exactly. It was so worn out, he'd have to come every few weeks or months. But he didn't care, it was his car. I understood that.”

“I suppose he was stubborn even when it came down to cars.” Castiel chuckled, slightly shaking his head. “You talk like you also had a car you wouldn't give up no matter what.”

“I did, a really old one my father gave me when I was old enough.” he reminisced, odd sound to his voice. “A 1967 Chevy Impala. She was the one and only girl in my life.”

“Should I be jealous?” he frowned, faint smirk on his lips as he breathed a kiss to Dean's jaw.

“Of a car?” Dean huffed and pulled him closer, kissing him back on his forehead. “Well, probably more than of anyone else.”

“I can't imagine you never had a relationship as serious and intimate as with your car.” Castiel sat up and leaned over Dean to get a hold of the backpack, pulling a bottle of water out, grinning at him. “Intimate? Cas, I did not fuck the car.”

 

Castiel breathed out in amusement before he lead the bottle to his lips, taking a sip, suddenly being aware of how thirsty he'd been after sex, passing it on to Dean afterwards.

“Do you have family except your brothers?” Dean asked before he drank, curious gaze locked at Castiel, his lips twitching a bit at the question and he looked down. “I'm sorry, Cas. Stupid question.”

“No, no it's okay.” he sighed, shaking his head, staring at something in the distance. “My dad ran away when I was a kid. Never knew my mom.”

Dean bobbed his head, stroking Castiel's knee and cleared his throat. “My mom died when I was four, the house burnt down and she couldn't escape in time. My dad's still out there I guess, might as well be dead but I don't really know. He just disappeared at one point, not that long ago.”

Castiel frowned and shifted, uneasy, putting his head to rest on his palm, elbow based on the ground as he stared at Dean, unsure what to say, voice low. “I'm sorry.”

“I still have Sammy.” he shrugged a shoulder, exhaling before he reached out to tug Castiel down, sliding their lips together. “And now you.”

“What if I leave you?” Castiel whispered, leaning into another kiss. “What if this all turns against us and I have to leave you?”

“You won't, Cas.” Dean rumbled, forcing him to lie down, partly resting on his chest. “I won't let you leave, I won't let anything turn against us.”

 


End file.
